I'm Fern Weis, mother, wife, daughter, teacher, coach, and recovering parent.
Life doesn't always go the way you planned. Nowhere is that more true than in parenting.
I had a vision of how life would be, an ideal image of my children's bright future. Like all parents, that dream began before I even held a baby in my arms. In time, my life revolved around my children and working toward their happiness and success.
Things are looking pretty good now, but for me and my family the road twisted and turned in ways we could not not have anticipated: infertility, adoption, learning differences, health concerns, tumultuous teen years, and yes, addiction.
Life doesn't always go the way you planned. Nowhere is that more true than in parenting.
I had a vision of how life would be, an ideal image of my children's bright future. Like all parents, that dream began before I even held a baby in my arms. In time, my life revolved around my children and working toward their happiness and success.
Things are looking pretty good now, but for me and my family the road twisted and turned in ways we could not not have anticipated: infertility, adoption, learning differences, health concerns, tumultuous teen years, and yes, addiction.
In addition to the love and joy, there were also sadness, disappointment, fear and even despair around these many challenges. There was family who loved us, but couldn't fix the struggles. There were friends who couldn't really know what we were going through, and we distanced ourselves, saving our energy for what needed our attention most -- our children and us.
We were in denial for a long time. How could this be happening to us? When we hit our lowest point and left the land of denial, the road from addiction to recovery for one child took us to some wonderful, transformational places. For our child, recovery began at a wilderness program, which was a 'wake-up' call. The next step was Hyde School, a boarding school of family-based character education and leadership development. Hyde isn't a treatment center or sober living facility, but it accomplished the same thing. The program and process taught my child how to overcome unproductive attitudes, be accountable, ask for help, develop his strengths... in other words, to be a more resilient, self-sufficient individual who has a unique purpose in life and the tools to get there.
That's not the whole picture, though. My 'recovery' as a parent began there, too, with an intensive Parent Program. I was addicted to control. We all struggle with this addiction - the need to control people and outcomes. This is especially true in the life-and-death concerns of substance abuse. Here is some of what I learned as a parent and as a family member of someone who is in recovery:
We were in denial for a long time. How could this be happening to us? When we hit our lowest point and left the land of denial, the road from addiction to recovery for one child took us to some wonderful, transformational places. For our child, recovery began at a wilderness program, which was a 'wake-up' call. The next step was Hyde School, a boarding school of family-based character education and leadership development. Hyde isn't a treatment center or sober living facility, but it accomplished the same thing. The program and process taught my child how to overcome unproductive attitudes, be accountable, ask for help, develop his strengths... in other words, to be a more resilient, self-sufficient individual who has a unique purpose in life and the tools to get there.
That's not the whole picture, though. My 'recovery' as a parent began there, too, with an intensive Parent Program. I was addicted to control. We all struggle with this addiction - the need to control people and outcomes. This is especially true in the life-and-death concerns of substance abuse. Here is some of what I learned as a parent and as a family member of someone who is in recovery:
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* I couldn't prevent bad things from happening to my kids,
but I could walk beside them through the tough times. * My children's behavior was just as much about me as it was about them. * Caring and good intentions aren't enough. Sometimes they are the problem. * When my hopes and dreams for them conflicted with reality, I had to face reality, stay focused, and take action on the issue at hand. * No boundary was better than a boundary I didn't enforce. |
* My dreams for them weren't always what was best for them.
They had to find their own way. * My emotional responses were not helpful. They were a distraction. * Nagging and lecturing resulted in more of the same behaviors I didn't want to see. * Giving them boundaries was more important than feeling loved or having harmony. * Sharing my challenges inspired them to take productive risks. |
But most of all, I learned that THE ONLY ONE I CAN CONTROL IS ME, and how I respond to my life and the people in it. Learning that and living it changed everything. And these are the principles and processes of family recovery, too. Are there still challenges? Of course! The difference is that now I'm better able to cope and take the next, best action; to keep the bigger picture in mind; and to give my children what they need, not what I want for them.
As a Parent Coach, parents of teens and young adults experimenting with, and actively using, drugs and alcohol began to seek my help. That led me to train as a BALM Family Recovery Life Coach in 2015. It is now an integral part of my practice. The tools, mindsets and information apply to all the families I work with, with or without addiction in the picture. They support me in all aspect of my life. (For more information on the BALM, click here.)
I am committed to using my experiences and learning to educate and support families going through the challenges of addiction and recovery. When you are ready, I am here. Contact me for a complimentary, confidential session.
As a Parent Coach, parents of teens and young adults experimenting with, and actively using, drugs and alcohol began to seek my help. That led me to train as a BALM Family Recovery Life Coach in 2015. It is now an integral part of my practice. The tools, mindsets and information apply to all the families I work with, with or without addiction in the picture. They support me in all aspect of my life. (For more information on the BALM, click here.)
I am committed to using my experiences and learning to educate and support families going through the challenges of addiction and recovery. When you are ready, I am here. Contact me for a complimentary, confidential session.
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Certifications & Trainings
Certified Family Recovery Life Coach, 2015 Certified Emotional Intelligence Coach, 2014 Certified Empowerment Coach, 2008 Certified K-12 French Teacher, State of NJ, 2000 Keruv Consultant (for synagogues, interfaith families), 2010 Facilitator, The Biggest Job Workshops (Hyde School), 2005 |
Additional Life/Family Experiences
* Infertility * Adoption * Learning differences/ADD * Second Generation (Children of Holocaust Survivors) For more information on Parent Coaching and support for parents of teens and young adults, visit www.fernweis.com. |