Why should I read this book? After all, I wasn’t the one with the addiction. I don’t drink, smoke, gamble or use drugs. My relationship with food is okay. Working out has never been, nor will it ever be, an addictive behavior for me (although it would be nice to come to a doable middle ground in this area).
I opened the book with some resistance. Convince me, I thought. Tell me why I should read this book. And there it was, on the second page of the introduction:
“The real disease from which almost all of us suffer is the disease of playing God, of thinking we are, or should be in control of what happens to us in life. As long as you maintain the illusion, you are fine, but eventually and inevitably life slips out of control, and you are faced with a very difficult choice: Quit playing God, and abandon the delusion of life’s controllability, or find some way to escape reality and maintain the illusion that you are in control.
"Most of us opt for the latter. Rather than admit that we are powerless over life, we redouble our efforts to regain control… Our quest for control always ends up in exhaustion and failure.”
And since who we are and how we respond to life begins with our thoughts, Shapiro adds this:
“Because the root cause of your action is your thinking, the deep cure must focus not only on the body and its behavior, but also on the mind and its thoughts.”
Nailed it. I was in, hook, line and sinker. We are addicted to control, pure and simple. BALM (Be A Loving Mirror) states, “It is important to let go without giving up or giving in.” You let go of the belief that you caused your loved one’s addiction and that you can cure it. You cannot control another, you can only control yourself. You cannot control what happens to you, but you can control how you react and respond.
It is the last part, how you react and respond that is crucial. This is where you have the ability to influence those you love. Notice the word ‘influence’, rather than control. You are letting go of control and opting for influence instead.
You do not give up on your loved one, or give in. Giving up means abandoning them and the relationship. Giving in means abandoning your boundaries and your integrity. It sometimes means taking what feels like the easy way out, but it enables your loved one’s addiction - and you end up with more of what you don’t want.
What does this influence look like? It is the opposite of giving up and giving in.
* You create boundaries which make it clear where your line is. “I will do this and no more.”
* You share the facts of what you see, without judgment and lecturing.
* You begin to see your loved one as more than his or her addiction, creating a relationship
based on love, rather than fear.
* You pull your life together, so your loved one sees that he or she is not your sole source of
happiness and satisfaction in life. (This is a heavy burden we place on others).
* It is breaking through your loved one’s denial, in a loving and respectful way.
Although I did not embrace all of the 12-Step model, there is one thing I wholeheartedly took from it - the Serenity Prayer. The beginning of the prayer summarizes the mindset to take us through difficult times when our urge is to control:
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Wishing you the peace that grows from letting go.
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Want to learn more about how to be your loved one's best chance at recovery?
1) Schedule your confidential consultation. Contact me at fern@familyrecoverypartners.com.
2) Get started by downloading Chapter 1 of "BALM - The Loving Path to Family Recovery".